Why you should let your problems sit
A problem emerges: someone said something in a meeting, you may not get the review you wanted, or something unexpected happens in life. It triggers all sorts of discomfort in you - uncertainty, anxiety, nervousness, lack of control, and more. Next, you find yourself doing everything you can to solve the problem. You turn to your friends and trusted confidants for advice. If that doesn’t work, you fill up your time with more work, more thinking, more planning, and more distractions. You want to get out of it, ASAP. After all, this is what we are trained for - be a good problem solver. Even better yet, solve the problem before it becomes one.
My advice? Let it sit.
That’s right. Don’t get rid of it; don’t run away from it. Sit with that burning sensation that seems all too consuming.
And we are not just sitting. We are breathing, observing, and tuning into that discomfort. Where do you feel it? What does it feel like? Let the feeling wash over you. Imagine yourself as an anthropologist who documents every minute detail with fascination. I know this sounds odd and is hard to do, but it’s for a good reason.
When you are in such a rush to run away, the chances are you are not fully aware of what is actually bothering you. Rushing into actions is like playing Whack-a-mole - it may feel like you’re doing a lot, but you are not going anywhere.
Physiologically speaking, our emotions and the ability to reason/analyze live in two different parts of the brain. Interestingly enough, the rational brain (in the pre-frontal cortex) has no direct connections with the emotional brain (amygdala). That’s why sometimes the emotions are running so high that we get stuck in the fight-flight-freeze-faint mode, and have trouble accessing the rational brain responsible for analyzing and making decisions. But through observing the self (aka self-awareness), which activates the medial pre-frontal cortex, we can consciously access the emotional brain and begin to decipher what it’s telling us.
Get to the hard truth
Believe it or not, what you think is bothering you is often not the complete picture of it. That internal frustration and resistance you sense usually comes from a place of suppressing or denying a facet of you. It could be a painful idea of who we are. Maybe it’s an idea that we are not good enough/smart enough/strong enough/we are falling behind. It can be especially harsh for us high achievers who have always done well in our lives and careers. So when a hint of these voices rises, we shut them out by keeping busy and distracted.
To solve the right problem, follow the path of the hard truth, which is lit by self-compassion. Listen to your thoughts. Give the problem and yourself a little space. It is not turning a blind eye and pretending they don’t exist. Instead, it is about befriending whatever situation you are in and, even more importantly, befriending yourself.
What now?
The good news is, whatever you’re thinking about yourself, it is probably not true. I bet you can identify 10 counterexamples. In fact, I challenge you to write them down now. These are the facts that tell a truer story of who you are - hard-working, courageous, dedicated, driven, and caring. From this new understanding of yourself, looking back at the problem you started with, what has shifted? What would you do next?
Takeaway
Actions are good. Actions with understanding are better. To be an effective problem-solver, we need to know what we are dealing with. One way of getting there is to let the problem sit first. I hope that new possibilities are opening up for you through this little journey, and the control is now back in your hands.
