Dealing with challenging relationships
UX is a people business. There is as much value in, if not more, working with internal teams and stakeholders as with customers and users. But as UXers, we can sometimes feel like Sisyphus, fighting the uphill battle day in, day out. May it be difficult stakeholders, a team that can never seem to align, or an outright dismissive behaviour, we get frustrated and discouraged. Over the years, I was given many pieces of advice on what to do in these situations. They usually start with, “Don’t show your emotions,” or, “It is what it is.” In practice, though, I came to realize I never asked why.
Relationships are like a mirror. It reflects to us what we put in the world. Like what Pema Chödrön said, the people we can’t be with are our greatest teachers. Personally, in my life and career, I’ve had many such teachers who made me what I am today. From each of them, I’ve learned something that helps me become more effective and open at relationships and ultimately become a better UX researcher.
Unexamined beliefs
As UXers, we are well aware of the power of assumptions. When strongly held, they can lead to arrogance, ignorance, and challenging collaboration. Yet we carry all sorts of assumptions with us throughout our lives. The biggest of all is our judgment of other people. We believe what we see/know, we rarely question it (granted that this is not something that’s usually taught to us), and some of us cannot see past it. These unexamined beliefs are assumptions at its core.
What you think you know
Think of someone to whom you feel resistance. It can be your peer, manager, subordinate, stakeholder, etc. What are your thoughts about this person? It may bring up any feeling from mild discomfort to more intense emotions like anger. Keep a note of it.
Just like approaching a problem in UX, we first need to understand what we’re dealing with. The best way to approach it, I find, is to use our UX superpower — curiosity. Imagine you are interviewing yourself on this subject and prepare a script. Be as curious and open as you can, and ask yourself about these beliefs, like
What are they?
What made you certain of it?
How do you act when you hold these thoughts?
How do you sense when you think of these thoughts?
Notice what comes up, and don’t try to meddle with or stop it. I can get quite petty in my responses, whining and screaming about something someone did or said. Just let your thoughts pour out as much as possible, and know that there is no rush to change anything. Be empathetic and gentle.
What if…we don’t know
In user interviews, a common technique we use is to pretend that we don’t understand something, and ask the users to explain it to us (even if we may be experts at it). It helps us dig deep into the topic, and understand the motivation. Remain very still, and ask yourself gently,
What about this assumption is important to you?
Are you absolutely sure about the assumption?
What can you not let go of?
What essential part of you is this series of questioning challenging?
Notice how your answers shift. I like comparing this step with uncovering stakeholder motivations through their assumptions. It is not enough to know what they believe, but what motivates them in that belief. Unlike work, our personal beliefs and assumptions, especially the one ingrained in the way we think, can have a high emotional charge. Even simply questioning it can mean danger, because it threatens the fundamentals of who we think we are. What I can offer is to treat this as an experiment and exploration. There is no need to drop or commit to anything.
See the bigger picture
You’ve done some great work! Now take a pause and reflect; What areas are opening up for you? What are you experiencing? Data is power. The more we know, the more we see. So, what new information have you acquired? What would you like to do now with the additional insights? My guess is, you’re at a different place than when you first started. Whatever you decide probably has nothing to do with the other person.
This process, to me, is like looking through a dense fog. At first, I can only see what’s immediately in front of me, and I think to myself, “there is only one tree.” Then when the wind blows and the fog shifts, I see more trees and some trail and think, “Oh, it’s the woods.” Finally, when the sun comes out, I realize you’ve been standing in the middle of a lush forest all along. We can ignore the fog, keep our heads down, and do what we always do. Or, we can explore, gather data, and open ourselves up for new possibilities.
I always say that there is learning in everything. The challenging relationships turn out to be one of the best free resources I have found that made me a better crafter and person. As you may have noticed, this is not for the faint of heart! But you brave UXers are not going to be intimidated by the challenge. You will learn and unlearn until you reach the summit of your goals. I hope, through the reflection of those around you, you see what a courageous and passionate person you are on a journey of becoming.
