More of you, courageously
5 Lessons on reconnecting with you and living authentically
I am a first-generation Chinese immigrant who lives in Canada. It may surprise you, but it took me leaving home to see who I am and want to be in this world. I never used to question how my heritage plays a role in my identity or whether what I took as the gospel is indeed what I wanted. It took 11 years of being an immigrant to finally break through the layers of artificial armor I put on and invite myself to get curious about me.
I don't have all these answers yet, but I have some insights. These insights all point in the same direction - how can I be more of myself and live more courageously?
In a world that is becoming acutely aware of race, inequality, and representation, it is more important than ever that we step up and live in alignment with our truths. Whether you are an immigrant, person of color, or just trying to find your footing, I hope there is something in my learnings for you and your journey.
#1 Challenge your beliefs
My first memorable clash of belief systems happened when I was 22, new to Canada. Being in the best engineering school in Canada exacerbated my feeling of inadequacy. That's when I solidified a set of fundamental beliefs (some from my Chinese family and some from myself). These beliefs, for the many years after, operated like automatic responses and kept me productive and focused:
Working hard is non-negotiable (it's just the basic work ethic)
Always strive to be excellent (because there's always someone smarter)
Speak confidently (so people don't question your abilities)
Ignore your emotions (because they only slow you down)
Somehow, the older I get, the more resistance I feel and the more questions I have:
What is this feeling of constant exhaustion? (Answer: Burnout)
Am I trying to live up to some untouchable expectations? (Answer: Yes)
Am I hiding behind my projected confidence? (Answer: Yes)
If emotions and feelings are so uncomfortable, what are they for? (Answer: Emotions are signals of what needs to be taken care of)
Slowly, I realized that the many things I've taken as gospel are flawed. They are beliefs passed down generation by generation without critical examination.
Viktor Frankl, an Austrian neurologist, psychologist, and Holocaust survivor, once said, "Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom." Finding this space took me a while, but it is there. Whenever I feel I should do something, I slow down and ask, "Why and who's saying that?" Miraculously, the space is large enough that I get to challenge my beliefs, reconcile with my past experience, and discover new principles that work for me.
#2 You are enough
I didn't know "I'm not enough" was a deeply rooted motivation of mine until recent years (thank you, psychotherapy). It looks like tying my self-worth to a job and being dependent on external achievement and validation for self-respect. It also looks like never feeling satisfied with my achievement and fearing that I would eventually be caught as an incompetent fraud.
The biggest antidote I've found to not feeling enough is self-compassion. In Brené Brown's podcast Dare to Lead, Dr. Susan David had the best description of self-compassion I've heard: "When you are kind to yourself, when you know you have your own back, when you know that if things don't go well, or if you have a fight with your spouse, or if you're failing, you'll still love yourself and still be kind to yourself. What it does is [it] actually gives you the capacity and the power just like the child [who feels securely attached to their parents] to explore, to take risks, and to move forward in the world."
I must admit that it's not always easy to be compassionate with myself when I am a habitual high-achiever. In those moments, I often think about what the child in me deserves. I tell her that it's ok to feel upset/angry/unseen and she doesn't have to be on all the time. I tell her she doesn't have to prove her worth by doing more. She is enough.
#3 Celebrate you
In my memory, it was a rare occasion to receive compliments from my parents. If I got a 99 on a test, the focus would be on how I could get a 100 next time. I suppose it was about their educational style of striving to be the best (less than is not good enough). Over the years, I slowly internalized the belief that I can always do better. So when other people offered me compliments, I'd brush them off like it was nothing. In fact, being appreciated and recognized made me feel uncomfortable.
This is where I'd Imagine what my best friend or biggest cheerleader would say. Would they ignore my progress and say it's not a big deal? Would they hold me to an unrealistically high standard and become disappointed when I fail? OR would they congratulate me wholeheartedly when I confront my fear and try my best? Would they tell me how proud they are of me for simply being me? The answer is obvious.
We humans sometimes forget how important it is to see ourselves before all else and celebrate those baby steps. When no one shows up for us, we are our own best friend and cheerleader. Compassion alone is not enough. Celebrate us!
#4 Advocate for yourself
In China, a societal value is modesty. At a young age, I learned that talking about myself is impolite and arrogant. I should stay quiet, do good work, and hope others will just notice. Being unable to speak up for myself in the good times makes the difficult times worse. When things get tough at work, asking for help or what I need, to me, is practically screaming incompetency. Who would want to do that?
It can't be further away from the truth.
Knowing what you want and communicating it to others is called self-advocacy. In practice, it looks like knowing what is important to you, your values, and your worth. It looks like asking for help when you need it. It looks like not downplaying your accomplishments and graciously accepting a compliment (and allowing yourself to feel good about it!).
The very first step I took toward self-advocacy was to clarify my desires and boundaries. For example, I would speak up when I want a particular project at work or say no to more work when I’m on the brink of burnout. Many fears come up in the process, like what would others think of me? Am I being a team player? It’s important to recognize these doubts while staying connected to myself. Just because there is fear doesn’t mean it is not the right thing to do. Ultimately, self-advocacy is the bridge that leads to self-trust and confidence. It is also through this bridge that we can eventually be the voice for someone else.
#5 You are not alone
I used to dream of being a hermit, living in the dense woods off-grid. Partly, it was due to my nomadic lifestyle since 15. Partly, I never quite felt like I belonged. The one thing I could count on was my independence and the little support I needed. Then the pandemic hit. I was still getting by, but I was startled by how little I knew about those around me, including my own family. Accompanying it was an intense feeling of aloneness. The four walls I call home seemed pale and suffocating.
My story is not uncommon. Many of us first-generation immigrants wear independence like a badge of honor. And the idea of showing others our vulnerability is as if we are abandoning a part of ourselves. Hence, sadly, we sometimes use independence to shut others out, even though we crave to be seen deep down.
Here's the thing: independence and living among people both take courage and are not mutually exclusive. Be it family, friends, colleagues, or neighbors, we can be a part of a community where we can thrive as our best selves. It means, in this community, we are connected to ourselves and conscious of others. We foster relationships and a sense of belonging. And when we share our truths bravely, it encourages others to speak up for themselves.
I'm still learning how to balance the two and how my experience in one area may lend to the other. The daydream of living alone in the woods is more distant these days. Instead, it’s replaced with the motivation to contribute to our shared social fabric, like sharing my story with you right now. It warms my heart to know someone out there understands what I’m going through.
Becoming our true selves is lifelong work. But I can finally tell my 15-year-old self that I'm grateful for being me, and my 22-year-old self that I'm grateful for being Asian. Imagine a community where each individual is deeply connected to themselves and each other - what amazing things we could do!
I invite you to join me and start the conversation with yourself. The world needs more brilliant people like you, and I can't wait to hear about your story.
With love,
sam
