Are you a covert controller?
Recently, a few of my clients came to me and asked for strategies to be more collaborative. Like many other UX professionals, they share a strong sense of responsibility for representing and advocating for their users. As we continued discussing what it means to be collaborative, it became gradually clear that they feel blocked and unable to get through to the team and drive them in delivering results. As a UXer, I have been part of this experience many times. We sometimes find our teams unreasonable and even outright insane for not following our recommendations. “I’m clearly right about this!” We think as if other people owe it to us.
The need to be right rings mesmerizingly. In my early career as a UXer, my strategy was to prepare and over-prepare for reviews, making sure I’d walk into a meeting knowing how to answer every and any questions. It meant that when I was challenged, I’d fight hard to defend my beliefs. Sometimes, I’d get to work with individuals who also felt the same way about their craft. You can imagine what happened next. We were stuck in a forever loop of passionately arguing for what we believed was right and leaving the meeting feeling dissatisfied and unaccomplished.
The tried and failed method
When there is a symptom, it’s easy to only focus on treating the symptom without looking at the root cause. Similar to my clients, I first threw myself into books and looked for scientific ways to “convince people.” “It must be because I didn’t communicate myself clearly,” I thought, “If I could figure out how to make people like me, this wouldn’t be a problem.” Time has proven that the effect of the books is fleeting. After years of trying and failing, I came to realize this is a slippery slope, and I do not know a thing.
The true agenda
Let’s talk about what’s truly motivating us. On the surface, like many of my colleagues, I truly believed if I didn’t advocate and push for the users, no one would do the right thing. In that case, admitting to being wrong would mean the users wouldn’t get what they need. What an ego to think I know what’s best for someone else! Underneath that false assumption, there was a lot of fear of being “wrong.” It may be associated with being lousy at our jobs and not being taken seriously. Without the awareness of either, the secret seed of self-righteousness and attempt to control slowly grew in the soil of fear.
The cost
What is the cost of trying to be right all the time? For me, it took the shape of unexpected emotional outbursts and a substantial sense of burden. In an effort of always trying to be the “expert,” I had to be “on” constantly, say the right things, and be the smartest one in the room. I noticed that I would be more offended than usual if the opposition rose. Deep down, I secretly wished people would leave me alone. Because I didn’t take the time to listen to other people and understand their rationale, I became the person who was incredibly smart but very difficult to work with. If you’re in leadership, the cost may have an even more significant effect on your team morale and performance.
A way out
Like everything, there is always an opportunity. In UX, we stress the importance of identifying assumptions. We rarely use the same principle on ourselves and our relationships. Some questions to start with: Do I truly know everything there is to know? Am I 100% confident that I am right all the time? Do I sincerely understand where everyone else is coming from? Do I want to be right all the time? What if I were wrong this whole time?
In hindsight, the answers seemed too simple to be missed. As much as I’d like to think that I know a lot about the users, I don’t always know everything about them, the business, or engineering. I can’t be objectively right all the time. Heck, I don’t want to be right all the time! I don’t want to be the UX police and tell everyone what they should or should not do. This realization freed me from the impossible expectation of always knowing best. Instead, I could choose to be the facilitator who brings everyone (including the customers) together.
Is there anything I am right about?
There is one thing you can be sure and right about consistently — you are right that you may be wrong sometimes. You are right to detach yourself from a position or opinion. You are right about asking other people for their opinions and understanding their perspectives and knowledge. This is the land of humility where the ego is at peace, and fear is not in sight.
Moving forward
One of the most challenging things we learn in life is to understand our own thinking. When we step away from being right or wrong, we are merely standing amongst a mountain of information — some of them more helpful than others. Every day, I remind myself that I do not know a thing. I become curious about everything and everyone around me. I’m excited for you to join this journey of endless possibilities.
